Paradox/Chaos

.... not much of a dump, but it's what I got for you. I haven't been a very active artist lately but I'm really working on being more prolific.
( eye candy guaranteed to make you orgasm. and then give you cavities.  ) 
Check out my horoscope for today...  this is totally true. My ponderings were more revealed in my sketches than any conscious thought, however - I was feeling super open to any and all possibilities the universe was sending me today, and I felt overwhelmed almost to the point of tears at one point.

Wed Sep 2: Mysteries of Life

The mysteries of life get your attention as the Moon awakens dreamy Neptune in your eighth house of death and rebirth; pay attention to any dreams you have now. You might find that a dream meeting with a relative who has passed over is more than just a dream. Be open to messages the Universe is sending you now. Propitious colours are blue sapphire and jet black. Lucky numbers are 17 and 43.

I find myself alone on a Friday night - one roommate asleep, one roommate onstage at JumpStart Performance Co., and boyfriend workin' hard for CD Exchange. I've been intending to clean my room, start my laundry, and look for the title to my vehicle, but I've found myself merely unwinding in front of the glowing screen of my computer. I ate a bowl of peanut butter bumpers with soymilk (which was DELICIOUS, if dehydrating), and uploaded some photos from the past month onto my computer.

I desire to simply MUSE - not to record what I've done as if record keeping. I just haven't had a lot to pour forth lately. Why is that? A dry patch in my literary life, perhaps? I have been reading more lately - right now it's The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty by Anne Rice and 48 Laws of Power by I think Joseph Greene.... definitely enjoying the latter more. While reading the former, I've found BDSM isn't my thing.

I imagine I will pour forth even more at a latter time... right now I have to get to some of the chores before the boyfriend makes it home. Enjoy some pictures.







Something I do when I'm alone for a while... take pictures of myself in a variety of getups. Sad and Emo-like, I know, except I've been doing it since I was four, so maybe more like ego-centric? Oh well, either way, I look kick-ass in a mask!

...Oh, what a lovely opportunity. Two posts in one evening! Perhaps this shall make up for my lack of posts in the past few weeks.

I've been not wanting to reflect upon my doings lately - hence the half-assed accounts. But I shall make an attempt.

SEDUCTIVE DRUNKEN BAR BEHAVIOR!!!



On Saturday, I was involved in an accident and totalled my mother's car. It is very sad. Wave goodbye to the Hellmobile - surely it will be going to Hell, its home, where it will be truly happy, at long, long last. I've been dealing with the aftermath of that all week long, and hopefully it'll be resolved soon. I've now had to give at three different recorded statements and dismiss two different ambulence chasers. My mom has her eye on a used Jetta at her work -- $4,000. We're getting more than that paid to us for the vehicle, so that's good - and I'd kind of dig a Jetta, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Send the good juju!

I've been a little depressed and stir crazy lately since I have no method of transportation - I could take the bus, but I do need change... which I suppose I could scrounge up. Today I have been extraordinarily dizzy all day - a very strange feeling that I can't remember having, ever. It's like getting the spins after downing four shots of whiskey. Except I haven't had any alcohol in a while.

I did get the job at HEB - I'm gonna be a bagger! All you shoppers better watch out! I'm the bagger with the college degree! Well, almost - nearly - alright, I'm already saying that "I got my education". It's one fucking class, people. One class away from having my Bachelor's.

PICTURE TIME!

( pretty much NSFW - mythological boobies under here )

Hey dere interwebs. I just want to say that applying for jobs is a full time job. I have been trying trying trying to get some income coming because rent's due on Saturday. Grrr. Driving school receptionist? Jamba Juice? H-E-B? Something even better?

In the meantime, here are some photos of my trip to see Tori Fucking Amos. With my lovely boyfriend.

I suck at journaling, lately.

God, it's because I've been flying through my life by the seat of my pants. WHATEVER THAT MEANS.

Oh well. On Wednesday, I turned twenty-two. I spent time with my mother, helping her with a maternity photoshoot, and Brandon, and life-drawing class. I invited almost forty people to come have drinks with me in the evening, and NO ONE CAME. I was miffed, but that's what I get for being spontaneous and informal - if I had called people or actually given out REAL invitations, people might've shown up. Plus my best friends were elsewhere - like working/rehearsing/South Korea. I had fun with Brandon and his cousin Jen.

On Thursday, Brandon took me out for birthday dinner at an excellent Japanese restaurant. I spent the next two days working furiously on a skirt for this drag queen I sometimes do work for - this skirt was a lot harder than the other one I made for him, because it was extremely lightweight satin. I burned myself twice trying to iron the goddamn thing.

I just started birth control and was worried about weight gain for a while, but I'm using all the powers of my mind to make that not an issue. Make sure to send good, weight-loss-y juju my way.

My cat spilled water on my new Mac laptop and now half the keys aren't working.

Harry Potter was awesome. I'm going in for round two today.

I had an awesome time reading scary stories to my roommate Laura while she made dinner last night. Then I drew her naked for a class project. Now I wanna get naked. :(

I wish I had some pretty pretty pictures to post for you people, but I should be getting a camera charger for my excellent camera very soon, so expect it!

I sound so DEPRESSED! Oh well, that's what I get for journaling on my period.

That reminds me....

Go watch the new Potter Puppet Pals. It's amazing!

What I needed to hear this morning. 

 This is MAH KITTEH: His name is Jack, but I call him Jack the Deuce because my very first kitteh's name was Jack. I named him after Jack Skellington when I was seven or so. BUT this kitteh was pre-named, so JACK THE DEUCE. 



 YOU WANT MORE EYEBALLS?

( MORE EYEBALLS!!! )

 An ALL PHOTO POST!!!


( Sculpted and Glazed by Yours Truly... uh... rather, FORGED FROM THE FIRES OF MOUNT DOOM )

 BAM! Taste my space-tastic juju of deeds! The past few weeks have been really packed with LIVING and DOING and BEING and CONQUERING... 

I've been having crazy fun in Ceramics. I've made several projects, all with EYEBALLS as the theme. My first was a spherical vase, about a foot and a half tall. It was a giant eyeball. Then I made a mug, which was also an eyeball... and now I'm sculpting my head, and I'm adding my third eye to keep that within the theme. 

I'm also taking life drawing/painting in the evenings, and that is challenging, but is also teaching me that I have the ability to communicate and function well as an artist... I've also talked to my professor about modeling for the class in the future. NAKED TIME. Haha.

My relationship with Brandon deserves touching on, because it's new and big and awesome and I haven't really talked about it at all, I've just furtively referenced it in passing. I met Brandon when I was fourteen. We talked and hung out in the classes we had together but I was too afraid of boys and too into the Jesus freak thing to really pursue a deeper friendship with him. He moved away at the end of 10th grade... and I didn't talk to him until early March of this year, when he added me on facebook. I was really interested in hearing what had happened with him for the past six years and I had changed a lot, so I suggested we hang out... we did a few times, and it was interesting, and there was tension, and we had a lot in common, and I had walls up and then I realized I had walls up and so I kicked them down and voila! Instant boyfriend. That is the very very short version of how we are together. We've been in a relationship for two months and it feels like it's been longer because it's been so packed with doing things and learning about each other.... I guess I fell in love pretty fast. I didn't think I would, not because of Brandon, but because of my previous ice-covered self.... Brandon is awesome and makes me feel safe and comfortable and loved. He came back into my life at a really good time.

I'm chilling in my horrible wreck of a room, being bored and slightly bummed... waking up late always does that to me... before I go to sleep I'm gonna try to clean this place up a bit, but not before I take some quasi-sullen photobooth pictures so this isn't just boring ol' text.



( Feeling Useless, But Having Little Sympathy For Myself )

 So I WAS procrastinating today... but it was sort of productive! I dunno how my mind strayed to Bettie Page today, but it did - I had been planning to re-dye my hair because I have miniscule roots, but I didn't really feel like spending $9 on a box of dye. BUT I did have an entire afternoon - and a desire for RISK TAKING. 

SO, I looked at a few pictures of Ms. Page, watched a bit of one of her Tease-o-ramas, and chopped my bangs off.



 I love not paying for hair cutting/styling. 

About halfway through, I was convinced I had fucked up big time. But I just kept chopping. Once I had gotten my bangs to a little above my eyebrows, I ran some water and product through then and hit the round brush and hairdryer. A couple of spritzes of hairspray later, this is what I got! I think they look better than the side-swept ones in this old userpic of mine. Whaddya think?

( mo' images )

It is my final day.

...to write the paper.

However, I shall skip to a more positive tone. Today is the last day I have to work on it - MEANING - tomorrow, I am free! FREE! Tonight, however, shall be spent in an extra studious fashion, with my head in at least six books and two scholarly web sources, compiling visual figures ("figure one", see "figure eight", page six... etc.), organizing these images in a table of contents,  making arguments, introductions, conclusions, and writing a goddamn stupendous piece of colliegiate, last-minute text. 

Look out, tomorrow. I'm gonna make you my bitch.  



Tori Amos being unnecessarily smokin' hot. Can I have her outfit? Her riding crop? And her ability to look non-radioactive as a redhead? Please? PLZ?!?

Le sigh. For red hair, I'll have to continue living vicariously through Brandon.



HAHA - isn't it frustrating for you, little stalker man? You read my journal, yet cannot comment on anything! 

PEACE OUT, BITCHES!

 Ah, words. Words, I believe, are failing me at present. Do you ever sit, and sit, and are uncomfortable merely sitting? Just finding a way to be okay with being... it's so difficult.

In the meantime, I try to figure out ways to distract myself from the fact that I'm not living in my body anymore, that I'm just watching from the outside... normally my distractions involve reading, but I'm so bombarded by language constantly that my language sensors feel saturated and overloaded. When did my spirit shut down? Why is it that I feel so spiritually stagnant? 

I want desperately to meditate but I mistrust my own ability to be spiritually sufficient. I've always thought I need directions. Just like acting versus improv... I feel so much more comfortable just DOING what someone else tells me to do. I can do it so well, too... that's why I feel like I need to read some books on meditation or spiritual journeying or anything to meet this need, really. But, when I get some quiet time in a quiet space, my body rejects words. 

I have been visually creating, and that is satisfying on an entirely different level. I'm taking ceramics and drawing/painting from a model, so every week I generate a bunch of sketches and paintings and ceramic things. I just finished sculpting my first vessel - it's a surreal eyeball vase. I'm definitely supposed to be doing this. 

Where am I spiritually? Why do I feel this way? Where do I need to go? Should I just go with the proverbial flow, or get off my soul's arse and seek something? But if I should seek something, how should I go about doing it? I've just about had it with reading spiritual books. I've been doing that since I was thirteen. It's time for me to get out of my fucking head and into my body. 


poorly photographed image of a no-reference sketch of brandon's eye.

I am preparing to immerse myself fully in the life of the Classical Woman. But, until I do, I can prattle on and on, pointlessly, here on the internet. Specifically, on a blog, which is, in essence, a vain monument of one's own self-importance. I hope that this is not the case, but apparently, I am an egomaniac, so I guess I should support that thesis by updating. 

I don't really have a lot to say, because I am still processing all the stuff that life's been throwing at me - the tyrannical roommate is gone... the semester ended, and I realized that I was indeed bothered by the fact that I am graduating two months later than all of my friends... I've been spending loads of time with Brandon, my awesome *special friend*... I'm faced with this paper which inexplicably is STILL NOT DONE (but this will be remedied SOOO soon, mah friends)... summer school is starting on Monday, and I am taking Ceramics and Drawing and Painting from a Model.... Laura is painting her room for the move in times which will happen in a couple of weeks. I am so very excite about all of these things. 

SO for now, I shall make this visually interesting so I can get away with it not being verbally interesting.

 My webcam decided to work this morning... so I took some shots of myself whilst waiting to rinse out my hair dye. After this, I'm going to mine my LiveJournal for poem-writing material. I have to turn in a portfolio at 1:30. Hardy har har! 

( hot hair-dye action )

So, here I am on April 30, 2009 - the eve of Beltane. This is the first major pagan holiday that I've had the where-with-all to celebrate since my pagan awakening (my break from Christianity happened OFFICIALLY in November or December of 2008... I've been busy with school, so Imbolc and Ostara got shot to shit). Anyway, about three weeks ago, I was searching on my computer for old files and I found a dream that I had a year and a day ago today. It was strange when I had it, and I wondered at the time if it was a past-life memory. Since then, I've visited a shaman who told me that indeed I had served in this capacity in the centuries before. I thought it would be a good idea to post this, to celebrate the Earth's awakening, and my awakening... enjoy.

 

( Beltane Dream: 2008 )Happy Beltane, everyone!

This is a selection of words from one of my stream-of-consciousness exercises. 



 Ininhibited/Uninhibited
I am pulling at my bleeding cracked lips/red luscious lips
  Dripping dew
    Fingernails neck and posture pockets
      Cracking creaking back
Up the stairs, through the closed door into the vast unexplored beyond
Abyss/Abbess
Ocean singing, calling me back
   I scream at them and pull at my skin in rage
Constrict/bountiful/overflowing
OVERFLOWING
Why can't I have scarcity?
Pulsing/Flaming/Quiver
Love Distilled of Mischief/Incarnate Essence of Mercy

I shall most likely harvest this for poetry later.

I am so very frustrated.

I'm butting heads with the roomie - I know it's just for one more month. But I cannot wait for them (well, one of them) to move out. It's a long story and I don't wanna vent all the details here, but basically I screwed up and didn't get them medicine when I told them I would, but was unable to contact them to tell them that I wasn't going to be able to because I was without a car and my phone died and I didn't have her number memorized. She got medicine later on, but even though I apologized about it, I feel like she hasn't forgiven me because I can feel the animosity radiating off of her.

I get so tired of always being the diplomatic, humble one who is willing to admit fault and take responsibility. Meet me in the goddamn middle and don't be so passive aggressive about how you deal with me! I had to CALL HER OUT on her anger before she said ANYTHING. It's been a week, mind you. A FUCKING WEEK. But this one, she and I have been butting heads for years and she really is determined to find fault with me in many different occasions.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wrote that several days ago. Aw, I was PMSing and feeling guilty, but most of it is still true. Isn't it good to VENT?

On another note, I have new info on my moon sign, Pisces, from a cool website given to me by my friend Brandon.  Note the "lack of reliability and responsibility". Haha. Really, I'm only like this when I'm at my worst - really stressed out. Also note that I'm not taking my medication (Lexapro) because I'm trying to deal with my depression in an understanding, natural way. So, that's my justification for my mistakes. Good friends are the friends that understand and forgive. Thanks, Brandon!

Moon in Pisces

Sensitivity, changeability, rich imagination - these are the distinguishing features of the Moon in Pisces individuals. They are so perceptible to others' emotions that can be deeply moved by a situation in which someone else would never notice anything special. They try to avoid strict order or rigid rules and prefer to create around them a kind of "creative chaos", as if protesting against requirement to put things on their places.

Rich imagination of the Moon in Pisces helps these people in creative endeavours, but their negative trait can be a lack of reliability and responsibility. They don't know to where and when they will swim away next time - but at least not to a place where they will be required to do something. If they meet an obstacle, the Moon in Pisces people will find a way around. They will never storm or forcefully demand anything. Quietly and softly moving from one situation to another, they will be looking for a place with a cleaner emotional atmosphere.

To release stress, the Moon in Pisces folks might want to stay alone in some romantic surroundings and to day dream. They are able to meditate naturally, to travel in their imagination to a different reality. It may be good for them to live or at least to spend their vacations near a body of water, best of all a sea or an ocean. Even by simply spending a little time at the sea shore they will immediately feel significant relief.

Unfortunately, many of the Moon in Pisces people are prone to smoking and alcohol as a way to get an emotional relief. This might help for a period, but their body is very sensitive to contamination and consequences of such an unnatural relief can be really detrimental.

The Moon in Pisces parents are kind and full of compassion, they are ready to understand and forgive anyone. They like fairy tales even more than their kids and can read them for hours. They will take an active part in development of creative abilities and imagination of their children. But one thing where they are not helpful is in teaching their children how to deal with the real world, how to be responsible and ordered. They have no idea about this themselves.

-from http://lunarium.co.uk.

The Power of the Crimp.

This man is my husband.





GOD WHY ARE YOU AWESOME.

This morning I checked Coilhouse, as I do everytime I get on the internet. They have issued a call for Illustrators to be considered for their future issues. DAMMIT, I know I have the capacity to do this, but my portfolio (what portfolio?) is in shoddy condition, due to the fact that I never finish illustrating anything because I'm in fucking THEATRE SCHOOL and that hasn't been my focus and to top it all off, it's sucked away all of my free time.

And I wannnnna contribute to Coilhouse. They are so awesome. Methinks some quick paintings/drawings are in order. If I can do some digital shit, that'd be good, too. But how am I going to find the time to develop pieces/submit work with all the school work I'm behind on?

Maybe I'll ask my mom to photograph my acrylic work, and then I'll get together some watercolors and drawings, and send 'em all in.  AHHHHH. I am overcome with want.



On another note, I have wanted to dye my hair for a while. I like the black, but I'm getting bored with it. Now, it's a normal enough haircolor that I'm not bothered by stick-up-their-ass types, but I'm ready for a serious change. And I'm ready to brave the violent winds of the job market.



There's this brilliant color - Manic Panic's Vampire Red. I know this will look good on me and all of my attire, because the majority of my wardrobe is black and red.



But look at THIS! This is Aprella, who I mentioned in this post. I am quite fond of her and her turquoise hair, and my coloring is similar to hers (as is my bone structure, but it's hard to tell when I'm forty pounds heavier than her). Ever since I first saw her on Dr. Sketchy's, I really wanted to go this shade of turquoise. So far, it looks as if I'll have to mix MP's Atomic Turquoise and Enchanted forest to get this color. And I'M A MERMAID!!! 

See, my vampire side and my mermaid side are duking it out. I have no idea who'll win, because I love both. I'm constantly arguing internally because I've dyed my hair in chunks before - those chunks have been purple, dark blue, and red (specifically Manic Panic's Pillarbox Red). My favorite BY FAR was the pillarbox red.



See? not a great picture of it, but the red hair you can see was freshly dyed and it looked pretty effin cool. I have no pictures of the other colors, sadly, and even though I LOVE this color and think it would look badass on my whole head, I think I'm ready for turquoise. Eeeeh. Hold on hold on hold on AM I TOO FAT TO DYE MY HAIR THIS COLOR? Gah. I know I'm not, I know, but it's always always always in the back of my mind, the "am I too fat to...?" questions. I'm not, by the way. I look like this:

and this:

I. AM. NOT. FAT. Let it out. *sigh* Oh beauty, you are a fickle mistress. Well, the jury is still out on the hair color. I shall now tally how much I am planning on investing in doing this.

Manic Panic FLASHLIGHTENING 30 volume Bleaching Kit : $10.80
Manic Panic Atomic Turquoise: $12.00
Manic Panic Enchanted Forest: $12.00
Total: $34.80 plus maintainance stuff, like deep conditioners and extra dye to upkeep my dye job. And possibly a normal person wig to keep a job. Not bad for initial investment - waaaay cheaper than salon.

Le sigh. End journal entry. Over and out.

Well, hey dere, internet peeps. I have contracted a stomach virus. Yesterday about 2 PM I started feeling queasy and the vomiting happened a few hours later. I vomited seven times, which is AMAZING since I hadn't done it in five years. 

I haven't vomited anymore today, but I'm not eating anything, either, because I ate part of a half of a grapefruit and was throwing that up for hours yesterday. I lost five pounds in 24 hours! Thanks, Career Point!

And Laura, this was on Coilhouse today, and it's badass, so I figured you could soak up the Rockabilly from it.
( Warning: Experiencing This Video Induces Repeated Viewings of Crybaby. )